05th February 2010
Matt Berry's Sexytime Soundtrack
Iphone/Ipad App Review by Dan Collacott
Gents, picture the scene, it's Valentine's Day and you've just returned from your highly overpriced set meal at a reputable restaurant in town, having experienced cramped conditions due to the fact they've laid on extra tables to cash in on the occasion as much as humanly possible. The cheap free champagne/sparkling wine is not managing to numb the pain of paying the best part of a score for food that is the quality of that of a large shite wedding.
Anyway you've paid through the nose for the meal and you've bought a far more expensive present than you received, if you in fact received a present because of course it's 'Her Day.' ....where was I? Ah yes you've held up your costly end of the bargain, now it's time for her or indeed him to hold up their end of the bargain so to speak; i.e they need to take a stiff one for St Valentine himself!
Yes it's time for that extra special saucy once a year bonk, time to go south, to dress up in weird outfits and engage in acts so appalling Russell Brand would blush. But what if you get there, proud member ready to do the deed and you think 'how do I truly know if I am ringing her or his bell?' Well kids this is where Matt Berry's Sexytime Soundtrack App comes in, just select a setting from 'Holiday Sex', 'Ugly Sex' and 'Expert Sex', place phone on bed and steam in. Matt Berry himself will use his smoother than 'Bailey's de-cantered from a satin glove' voice to dispense sexy advice and commentary to help your performance along and give you that final winning thrust. Throw in some sexy music and the fact your movement triggers the comments/speed of music and you're on your way to messing up your partner fun time.
The App is for Iphones and Ipads but I tested it on the Iphone 4 (with at least sixteen unsuspecting partners in one night) because only our LF web guru and podcast presenter Denis-Jose Francois has an Ipad and he lords it around like a divorcee with dildo that can mow the lawn (that gag is older than the invention of the dildo). It's novel, fun and very sexy. It's also daft and highly pointless but does it matter when it's 59 of your earth pence for much mirth. Did I mention it's from MATT BERRY from the IT Crowd, Dark Place, Mighty Boosh etc etc, so what's not to love!