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by D J Collacott

Anyone who has experienced the Willy Wonka like genius of comedian Paul Foot, will already know his talent doesn't lie in chocolate and sweets, but in a sprawling mix of cheeky observations and sideways anecdotes that ooze wit and charm. The mulleted man pixie has his own loyal and dedicated fan club known as 'The Guild of Connoseurs' who follow him around the country in order to experience his comedy. LF got the rare chance to discuss the actual death and life of Paul Foot with the very man himself!

How did you die?

I died by going to the wrong stage at the wrong time with the wrong people watching, being the wrong person for them and they experienced death by being the wrong audience at the wrong place watching the wrong comedian, so in a way I died and a little bit of them died as well.

What age were you at the time?

I was 19, I was 20, I was 20 I was 21 I was 22; I was 23, 24 and all the ages up to 34 at the time.

What were your last words?

Thank you, you’ve been an audience.

What one thing do you regret not doing when you were alive?

When I was alive I regret having organised my diary in a such a way as to facilitate so much death.

What was the last thing you did in the few days remaining of your life?

I spent the entire of the last few days of my life entirely living in the future and not focusing at all on living the last few days of my life. Tragic.

What was the best thing you did in your career when you were alive?

To carry on

What was the worst egg you have eaten?

The egg of an endangered albatross, in fact it was the last one and could have grown into a beautiful albatross, it was the last one of it’s type on the little Island of Igbloo in the Outer Hebrides, all the grown up albatrosses wept…. and that was not an easy gig, it’s not easy to tell jokes after that!

Do you feel that being a comedian contributed to your death?

Undoubtedly. Being a comedian has exposed me to massive amounts of death.

What were you biggest comedy influences?

The desire for money and the desire for a hobby

What was the most comfortable chair you ever sat in?

It was actually a satin chair that I sat in

What was the last person of animal that you laughed or pointed it?

They were called Brian Hoof and I am not quite sure if Brian Hoof was a person or an animal, it was very very dark, I had binoculars but he was very far away. I said ‘Brian Hoof are you a person or an animal?’ but there was no response so I just laughed and pointed, which is the way things often had been. Some people said he was a witch and that’s what they used to do to witches, laugh and point and kill them. I didn’t kill him I just laughed and pointed.

If you could make anything out of Chocolate what would it be?

A chocolate factory.

Would you star in a best of clips show?

No. Er yes, well yes no, well yes. See what money they had to offer, actually yes why not, it might lead to other things. Yes I’d do it and then regret it, then think why did I do this, it hasn’t led to anything else, then I’d think what does it matter there was only two million people watching it and they’ve probably all forgotten about it and I got a little gig in Swindon off the back of it. Someone rang me up and said ‘I saw you on the clips show’ and yes it’s slightly spoilt my reputation, but well you know I got some money in the bank; ….and I would regret it, well I wouldn’t regret it, well I don’t regret it, I wouldn’t do another one, well I’d do one series and that’s it. Get the experience and see if it leads to other opportunities and that’s it no more, I wouldn’t do a second series, well if they rang about a second series and the money was more then maybe, but I’d definitely regret it, I wouldn’t want to do that.

Who did you leave your possessions to when you died?

I left the gift of my pancreas, eyes, cornea and other things to miscellaneous donors…. but they couldn’t have them, as I rose again.

Are you the Jesus of comedy?

I am the Jesus of comedy, actually not so much the Jesus of comedy more like the Lazarus of comedy because I needed someone to help me rise again, whereas Jesus did it himself…well he didn’t he had a bit of help from God, well he was God so really he just helped himself. Whereas Lazarus needed the help of Jesus. Normally Jesus helps me, sometimes after a gig I say ‘Jesus help me’ and he arranges something, like maybe a show in Chippenham for £75 cash and I think thanks Jesus, I say Jesus it’s not really Jesus it’s my agent, I shouldn’t really call him Jesus. He always says to me ‘Why do you keep calling me Jesus?’ and I say ‘Well what is your name, I don’t even know who you are?’ He’s not even my agent, he’s just a man that lives at the bottom of my garden who arranges shows for me, he shouldn’t even be there he’s got a restraining order on him, actually it’s about time he left, I don’t even want to do a gig for £75 in Chippenham, I’ve told him this. It’s not even a real gig, he says he’s arranged it but when I go there, there is no one there and nobody has heard of me and there is no posters, the man is just not right he’s got mental problems and he frightens me. Not only that but he sexually molested my aunt…. she enjoyed it but it’s still not right.

Was the man not your Uncle?

No the man actually molested both my aunt and my uncle at the same time, It was their 50th wedding anniversary treat to be molested by a man at the end of my garden. One of them enjoyed, it was either my Aunty Doreen or Uncle Jeremiah who enjoyed it but they won’t say which.

If you sat next to Boris Johnson on a bendy bus what would you ask him?

The time, because I don’t have a watch and with all the money he earns he’s bound to have one!

Is it true you once offered out Jeanette Krankee for a fight?

I used to be her agent and hire her out for fights, I didn’t deal with the television interviews stuff just her fights and mud wrestling and that sort of erotic wrestling where they rub jam all over each other but we didn’t get many gigs like that, in fact we didn’t get a single one but she would have done one had one come up, it was a lot of money to hire her for that, too much in fact, I priced myself out of the market really.

What was it like working with Rob Brydon on Annually Retentive?

A dream come true

When you were alive what was your favourite super power?

The United States of America

Where you planning on cultivating any new super powers before you died

Yes I was trying to get the Middle East to become a super power, but there was always something to stop me, you know some sanctions or an invasion.

Apparently one of your personal super powers is the ability to guess waist sizes, what is my waist size.

I think reckon you waste about half a ton per week

What was it about accountancy that made you become an Comedian?

Er well boring

Having died as a comedian do you wish you had been an accountant and lived longer?

No because it’s a sad life, except on the 5th of April when it’s a good time for Accountants as it’s their new year, and a new hope – they all think yeah it’s the new year lets make a new years resolution, lets keep the accounts in much better order this year, lets take tax advantage of that Cayman Islands trust fund. But by around 12th April they just realise they are just living their life again, it’s much like us on the 12th January, just four months difference.

Now you are dead whom would you like to haunt?

I would like to haunt someone who runs one of those haunted house holidays, those people who say come for a haunted weekend and the place isn’t haunted at all. I would like to haunt that con merchant until he cant take anymore ghosts, which would be never as I would never stop haunting them, even when they’ve died my ghost would haunt their ghost and if their ghost killed my ghost the ghost of my ghost would haunt their ghost and when their ghost died the ghost of my ghost would haunt the ghost of their ghost.

Do you have any TV shows in the pipeline?

Yes

Do any of them involved Derek Acorah?

Yes and no

Can you reveal any details of such shows?

Yes I can, but they are secretive and I shouldn’t reveal them but I could reveal them.

Does the Guild Of Connoisseurs (Paul’s Fan Club) hold any eyes wide shut style masked parties/orgies?

That is a good idea I am going to organise one next week.

Can I come?

I imagine you would, but that is entirely up to you, in fact that is a question you should be asking yourself.

What was the most interesting thing you have read about yourself that wasn’t true?

I was doing a show recently and they misquoted me on a poster, the original quote said ‘Never had their been so much laughter about so little’ they got it mixed up and wrote ‘Never has there been so little laughter about so much.’

And finally who are you most looking forward to meeting in the afterlife?

The Queen, as I won’t manage to meet her in this life so I imagine in the afterlife it would be easier to get access to her as I could just waft through doors and walls and stuff, not that I know what the afterlife would be like, I mean would she still have a palace or would we all be mingling about in one room, all souls floating around we could pass through each other, I imagine I could have a chat then.

Do you think souls passing through each other could be a sexual thing?

Well it could be, as there is a quite lot of sex in the afterlife when ghosts rub up against each other they cause that discharge.

Ectoplasm?

Yes ectoplasm is the love juice of the afterlife

Paul you’ve been beautiful

You’ve been wonderful

To watch listen and find out more about Paul Foot click here

 

by D J Collacott

Anyone who has experienced the Willy Wonka like genius of comedian Paul Foot, will already know his talent doesn't lie in chocolate and sweets, but in a sprawling mix of cheeky observations and sideways anecdotes that ooze wit and charm. The mulleted man pixie has his own loyal and dedicated fan club known as 'The Guild of Connoseurs' who follow him around the country in order to experience his comedy. LF got the rare chance to discuss the actual death and life of Paul Foot with the very man himself!

How did you die?

I died by going to the wrong stage at the wrong time with the wrong people watching, being the wrong person for them and they experienced death by being the wrong audience at the wrong place watching the wrong comedian, so in a way I died and a little bit of them died as well.

What age were you at the time?

I was 19, I was 20, I was 20 I was 21 I was 22; I was 23, 24 and all the ages up to 34 at the time.

What were your last words?

Thank you, you’ve been an audience.

What one thing do you regret not doing when you were alive?

When I was alive I regret having organised my diary in a such a way as to facilitate so much death.

What was the last thing you did in the few days remaining of your life?

I spent the entire of the last few days of my life entirely living in the future and not focusing at all on living the last few days of my life. Tragic.

What was the best thing you did in your career when you were alive?

To carry on

What was the worst egg you have eaten?

The egg of an endangered albatross, in fact it was the last one and could have grown into a beautiful albatross, it was the last one of it’s type on the little Island of Igbloo in the Outer Hebrides, all the grown up albatrosses wept…. and that was not an easy gig, it’s not easy to tell jokes after that!

Do you feel that being a comedian contributed to your death?

Undoubtedly. Being a comedian has exposed me to massive amounts of death.

What were you biggest comedy influences?

The desire for money and the desire for a hobby

What was the most comfortable chair you ever sat in?

It was actually a satin chair that I sat in

What was the last person of animal that you laughed or pointed it?

They were called Brian Hoof and I am not quite sure if Brian Hoof was a person or an animal, it was very very dark, I had binoculars but he was very far away. I said ‘Brian Hoof are you a person or an animal?’ but there was no response so I just laughed and pointed, which is the way things often had been. Some people said he was a witch and that’s what they used to do to witches, laugh and point and kill them. I didn’t kill him I just laughed and pointed.

If you could make anything out of Chocolate what would it be?

A chocolate factory.

Would you star in a best of clips show?

No. Er yes, well yes no, well yes. See what money they had to offer, actually yes why not, it might lead to other things. Yes I’d do it and then regret it, then think why did I do this, it hasn’t led to anything else, then I’d think what does it matter there was only two million people watching it and they’ve probably all forgotten about it and I got a little gig in Swindon off the back of it. Someone rang me up and said ‘I saw you on the clips show’ and yes it’s slightly spoilt my reputation, but well you know I got some money in the bank; ….and I would regret it, well I wouldn’t regret it, well I don’t regret it, I wouldn’t do another one, well I’d do one series and that’s it. Get the experience and see if it leads to other opportunities and that’s it no more, I wouldn’t do a second series, well if they rang about a second series and the money was more then maybe, but I’d definitely regret it, I wouldn’t want to do that.

Who did you leave your possessions to when you died?

I left the gift of my pancreas, eyes, cornea and other things to miscellaneous donors…. but they couldn’t have them, as I rose again.

Are you the Jesus of comedy?

I am the Jesus of comedy, actually not so much the Jesus of comedy more like the Lazarus of comedy because I needed someone to help me rise again, whereas Jesus did it himself…well he didn’t he had a bit of help from God, well he was God so really he just helped himself. Whereas Lazarus needed the help of Jesus. Normally Jesus helps me, sometimes after a gig I say ‘Jesus help me’ and he arranges something, like maybe a show in Chippenham for £75 cash and I think thanks Jesus, I say Jesus it’s not really Jesus it’s my agent, I shouldn’t really call him Jesus. He always says to me ‘Why do you keep calling me Jesus?’ and I say ‘Well what is your name, I don’t even know who you are?’ He’s not even my agent, he’s just a man that lives at the bottom of my garden who arranges shows for me, he shouldn’t even be there he’s got a restraining order on him, actually it’s about time he left, I don’t even want to do a gig for £75 in Chippenham, I’ve told him this. It’s not even a real gig, he says he’s arranged it but when I go there, there is no one there and nobody has heard of me and there is no posters, the man is just not right he’s got mental problems and he frightens me. Not only that but he sexually molested my aunt…. she enjoyed it but it’s still not right.

Was the man not your Uncle?

No the man actually molested both my aunt and my uncle at the same time, It was their 50th wedding anniversary treat to be molested by a man at the end of my garden. One of them enjoyed, it was either my Aunty Doreen or Uncle Jeremiah who enjoyed it but they won’t say which.

If you sat next to Boris Johnston on a bendy bus what would you ask him?

The time, because I don’t have a watch and with all the money he earns he’s bound to have one!

Is it true you once offered out Jeanette Krankee for a fight?

I used to be her agent and hire her out for fights, I didn’t deal with the television interviews stuff just her fights and mud wrestling and that sort of erotic wrestling where they rub jam all over each other but we didn’t get many gigs like that, in fact we didn’t get a single one but she would have done one had one come up, it was a lot of money to hire her for that, too much in fact, I priced myself out of the market really.

What was it like working with Rob Brydon on Annually Retentive?

A dream come true

When you were alive what was your favourite super power?

The United States of America

Where you planning on cultivating any new super powers before you died

Yes I was trying to get the Middle East to become a super power, but there was always something to stop me, you know some sanctions or an invasion.

Apparently one of your personal super powers is the ability to guess waist sizes, what is my waist size.

I think reckon you waste about half a ton per week

What was it about accountancy that made you become an Comedian?

Er well boring

Having died as a comedian do you wish you had been an accountant and lived longer?

No because it’s a sad life, except on the 5th of April when it’s a good time for Accountants as it’s their new year, and a new hope – they all think yeah it’s the new year lets make a new years resolution, lets keep the accounts in much better order this year, lets take tax advantage of that Cayman Islands trust fund. But by around 12th April they just realise they are just living their life again, it’s much like us on the 12th January, just four months difference.

Now you are dead whom would you like to haunt?

I would like to haunt someone who runs one of those haunted house holidays, those people who say come for a haunted weekend and the place isn’t haunted at all. I would like to haunt that con merchant until he cant take anymore ghosts, which would be never as I would never stop haunting them, even when they’ve died my ghost would haunt their ghost and if their ghost killed my ghost the ghost of my ghost would haunt their ghost and when their ghost died the ghost of my ghost would haunt the ghost of their ghost.

Do you have any TV shows in the pipeline?

Yes

Do any of them involved Derek Acorah?

Yes and no

Can you reveal any details of such shows?

Yes I can, but they are secretive and I shouldn’t reveal them but I could reveal them.

Does the Guild Of Connoisseurs (Paul’s Fan Club) hold any eyes wide shut style masked parties/orgies?

That is a good idea I am going to organise one next week.

Can I come?

I imagine you would, but that is entirely up to you, in fact that is a question you should be asking yourself.

What was the most interesting thing you have read about yourself that wasn’t true?

I was doing a show recently and they misquoted me on a poster, the original quote said ‘Never had their been so much laughter about so little’ they got it mixed up and wrote ‘Never has there been so little laughter about so much.’

And finally who are you most looking forward to meeting in the afterlife?

The Queen, as I won’t manage to meet her in this life so I imagine in the afterlife it would be easier to get access to her as I could just waft through doors and walls and stuff, not that I know what the afterlife would be like, I mean would she still have a palace or would we all be mingling about in one room, all souls floating around we could pass through each other, I imagine I could have a chat then.

Do you think souls passing through each other could be a sexual thing?

Well it could be, as there is a quite lot of sex in the afterlife when ghosts rub up against each other they cause that discharge.

Ectoplasm?

Yes ectoplasm is the love juice of the afterlife

Paul you’ve been beautiful

You’ve been wonderful

To watch listen and find out more about Paul Foot click here

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