By the Evil Truth
Ah the ever ticking monstrous clock that is mortality, getting louder the longer you are around to here it's fading chime. What happened, where did your youth go? Why do you have large amounts of hair petruding from places it really shouldn't, whilst disappearing from places it really should be sticking around.
Welcome to life....... and hear is the most miserable cynical but truthful run down of just WHAT life is, you'll ever read.
Our Formative Years:
As a child we can't wait to be older, every month counts as we strive to be able to do the things grown ups do. We want to be like the big people, being small is no fun, no-one listens to you (much like how you end up when you are old.
Our school years are bloody awful. We are endlessly analysed and tested and told to behave a certain way for reasons which escape you at the time.
At school there is no such thing as normal, keeping your head down and not being noticed is as much as you can hope for but never really happens. You can try and make sure you're the loudest, strongest and most obnoxious of all the kids, I mean the only way to not be bullied is to be bullied right?
At school you get the shite kicked through you every week because you have the wrong name or surname, the wrong brand of shoes, clothes or accessories (your parents are pikie because they didn't buy the latest sports/designer brand and they dressed you like that fat kid from Grange Hill). Because you look or act different, because you are too intelligent, because you aren't intelligent enough. Getting through those years without some kind of resulting social anxiety or parental resentment for the aggressive over bearing encouragement they did or didn't give you is incredibly unlikely. So embrace your resultant neurosis, becauset it's all character building right? Forced competition and endless humiliation makes us the beautiful people we are now, remember that it'll come in useful during therapy in later life.
At College/University I became a man/Wo man:
Nope not even close, University (specifically an arts degree) is the most pointless exercise known to British education. You learn nothing except how to become an enormously selfish and self important arsehole. Oh but you get to reinvent yourself, throw away your nerdy past and school embarrassments. Suddenly you are cool, you can get laid because no-one knows who you really are, you are finally a peacock strutting round, spreading your wings, sowing your seed. There is no rules, infidelity is encouraged, no-one is loyal to one other, friendship counts for absolutely nothing, all that matters is self indulgence. You spend a few hours a week at lectures, so why not spend the rest of the time shagging your best friend's girlfriend or boyfriend, cheating on the long term partner you left behind to embark on your onerous voyage of self discovery. There's plenty of time to do lots of lovely drugs and alcohol (you can blame all your most loathsome behaviour on your intake also so win win), playing video games, fall out with friends, drop out of your course and somehow get on another one the very next term.
Come on! Find yourself! Don't sleep around and cheat on other people with just the opposite sex, how boring is that! No you can get far more attention and scandal if you do it with as many as people as possible in the most controversial social circumstances you can engineer. Remember being a selfish wanker needs a certain amount of equality applied, to cause as much harm as possible to people because your feelings and urges change like the wind you need to be equally shitty and morally unpleasant to all, whether they be gay, straight or bisexual. Or else why bother going onto further education? If it backfires you can always make a weak attempt your own suicide and all is forgiven.
Don't forget to get yourself in massive amounts of debt or fleece your parents of their savings just so you can spend 3 or 4 years acting like a total bell end, it's a worthwhile objective.
So your University days are up, the real world looms, what now? All the debt and narcissism was worth it wasn't it? You're going to walk into a lovely well paid job and impress your entire family aren't you? What NO? HONESTLY?
Not only is your Uni degree about as much use as a McDonald's at a Vegan Festival, it also means you have absolutely no life skills whatsoever. Just because you managed to buy/resell drugs from some dealer called Beezal who rides a 1960s bicycle, can't remember what happened between 1983-90 and always spends three hours talking shite to you when all you want is your weed. That doesn't mean your an expert businessman. There is no award in life from learning to act like a grade A selfish twat (oh wait..... yeah that's all wrong isn't it).
So suddenly you are left out in the cold, STD covered dick in hand. What next?
Well it's fine, you know people right? You have family and associates who once bummed someone important in the face and can get you a position on a expensive course, or a entry level job or work experience somewhere really cool. Of course you do, that's how life works, what's the point in being really middle class if you can't abuse your parental friend's and business contacts. It's not what you know it's WHO!
Or maybe you can postpone work altogether, maybe you have rich parents who can buy you a flat so you don't ever have to save for one. Maybe even in the City you went to Uni at so you can at least act like a total drug addled fuck nut for another few years without having to work, yaaay be a student forever. Come on who wants to learn the value of money, you've spent long enough spending other people's/the state's money, and it's a lot of fun, so why give that up?
Part 2...... coming............