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Saturday
Jul312010

Dick Synching

Social etique can be a complex thing at the best of times, this can be amplified when you throw in a pub and some fellow drinking cohorts.

In Britain we men (and many women) like our alcoholic beverages to be in the maximum volume possible, by that I mean pints and pints mean a regular flow of urinal visits. Now whereas women positively revel in the gossip and preening that can be shared with a visit to the cubicles with their fellow womanly chums, for men we get no such satisfaction. Firstly we don't get the welcome isolation the cubicle brings, if there is a cubicle it's usually in a pretty poor state (broken toilet seat, no bog roll and the words Tottenham are shit on the wall). Plus said cubicle wouldn't be something most men would want to spend any time in. So therefore we are left to stand, cock facing a big metal trough or individual porcelean urinals with dividers that don't really properly divide/hide anything. So when p*ssing next to someone, it's eyes straight ahead and don't cross the streams.

But returning to the beer and the regularity of visits, men will quite often drink at the same speed as each other and our kidneys process the ale at the same rate. This leads to the infamous dick synch, where you and another men visit the gents at the same time repeatedly during an evening. Now if this is a close friend it can usually be faffed off and made into a joke, I mean at least those 3-4 mins can be spent in conversation (you can even talk about some bird with large boobs you've noticed or football). But when you get dick synched with someone who you don't know, say a boyfriend of a friend or friend of a friend's boyfriend/husband/gbf/friend who you've only been introduced to once and were unable to make more than a minutes small talk with. If you dick synch with that person you're going to be forced to:

1) Make a joke out of the dick synch, clearly drawing attention to the unfortunate and merely co-incidenatal nature of the synch

2) Hope the guy doesn't think you are gay for him and are following him to the toilet to sneak a peak at his wang

3) Make nervous conversation each time like that will somehow deflect from the fact you have spent the last four wee breaks standing next to the same person and his wang

4) Drink faster and hope nature is kinder

5) Drink slower and hope nature is kinder
(repeatedly)

6) Risk using the disabled toilet

7) Wee into a pint glass when no-one is looking


8) Tell the guy in question you love him and want to throw some love up him and hope he leaves in a fit of fear and disgust, or becomes your new lover

Or stay at home with a six pack of special brew and drink until the pixies come out and dance with you, it's your choice!

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