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Message to all you January dieters

Hey I'm all for healthy living - no really..... ok ok stop laughing, I do go to the gym... well very occasionally AND I love nothing better than to injure myself playing squash. But still... that just about gives me cause to rant about seasonal fitness freaks! I nor many of you out there want to spend the first two months of the year wading through a throbbing mass of cranberry sauce sweating fad dieting new year's resolution bleating simpletons.

YES...we all sit around like seal pups at Christmas gorging on turkey and quality streets. We all fart the national anthem during the Queen's speech and smile vacantly at the 'One Ronnie Special' on the old idiot box; hitting the booze whilst again piling after-eights and cheese straws into our slavering cake holes. But sure enough come January a sudden sense of guilt and hope overrides common sense and the same vacant twats fall out of the rotting woodwork to embark on some ill-conceived health drive. January the gyms are rammed like a tube train, then by late Feb they've all retreated back to their binge drinking, recreational drug taking and sofas.

But we live in a society where guilt is preyed on. Even before Christmas has finished we are being bombarded by adverts for diet books, low fat food, gym memberships and slimming aids and worst of all ads for the celebrity endorsed work out video. Yep.... it is the same morons that flood the gyms that buy this ten a penny z-list crap - 'Oooh Sonya from Enders has made a Hula Hoop and home enema to get slim video!.'

You can only truly judge how low a 'so called celebrity' will stoop to for cash when you've seen them cynically shit out some god awful aerobics or keep fit video in the hope of riding the January wave of eaters remorse. Usually it's soap stars, TV presenters, desperate glamour models - or general Z-listers on their way down. Even worse is the marketing and PR leaches that pick off that one celebrity that has crashed and burned in the public eye.... yes they 'let themselves go!.' They get them fit, get them off the funny juice or in rehab, parade them around long enough to get you to notice their 'miraculous transformation' (amazing what paying for surgery and personal trainers 24/7 can do) then sell you a video or book of how they 'supposedly' did it! Fucking genius! But plenty of morons lap it up 'Owww if that Kerry Katona can turn 'er life araaaand, and wind 'er tits back up from underneath 'er knees, then why carrrrnt I?'

So I say to all you January dieters, fuck off home and watch Hollyoaks so I can get my regulation twenty minutes on the running machines you selfish bastards! Or else I will come round your house and force feed you kebab until you stop! 

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