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Thursday
Dec082011

How to tell if your family member or loved one is an alien?

To accompany our Alien Invasion podcast here is proof that we really are experts in the subject matter on which we preach, not to mention sage advice for keeping your family and lovers safe, so read, digest and then let the tests commence!

Appearances are not always deceptive

Whilst it may seem like a basic assumption, there still needs to be a starting point for judging whether or not the body snatchers are wandering insidiously through your living room.  So the first thing you need to do is establish the following basics, by examining your family or partner:

a) They're not green or have protruding antenna from their heads
b) They don't have tentacles
c) They are not blue, anorexic, wear very little, have a tail and claim to come from a Earth like paradise rich in mineral resources.
d) They've not grown a second head (which is probably evil) and speaks in different languages

If those answers are in the negative, then you need to get down to the a more detailed level of examination.

Does their skin show any signs of stress or stretching?

This could mean that - in a very physical sense - an alien has had to stretch your loved one's skin in order to inhabit their body. Or wear them like a human overcoat if you like. If your loved one has lost a lot or weight or is old then this can be a tricky process,  so proceed with caution: killing someone because they have overdone the fake tan is still considered unlawful in some countries.

Is their skin dryer or wetter than usual or show signs of a rash or inflammation?

AKA Chloracne & Xeroderma, this could mean that the human body is rejecting the alien biology or the alien itself is unable to comfortably maintain human form (or at least not all the time). Finding a loved one's skin hung up like a coat in your wardrobe should also be considered mildly alarming unless you are dating Buffalo Bill Levine. Also unusual spots and blemishes cannot be discounted as being alien, a 20 inch wide throbbing pustulating boil on the side of the head that fires out 4ft streams of black mucus that envelops and kills all forms of life through suffocation is unlikely to be the results of a bad diet.

Leakage

If someone you know begins to seep, leak, spit or vomit a green, clear or any other unusual coloured liquid (that has a higher than usual acidity level, or a slimy or viscous quality) from any orifice, wound, abrasion or newly introduced bodily feature, then this should not be considered normal and should require you to enlist help from the authorities (presuming they are not aliens also).

Examine them
Offending a fellow adult by giving them a quick once over is far better than not doing so and getting eaten by them some hours later. If you can touch them up by stealth or by a impromptu shoulder or body massage then this is worth considering (this maybe why there is the 'essential' prefix before some oils'). What you are looking for are any skin lesions, bumps, growths, hardening of soft tissue, barbed hairs, translucent skin, sacks of skin containing liquid, extra shell like armour plating you could have sworn they didn't have before and any extra limbs, wounds, holes or working organs that now sit outside the body. Restraining a loved one with rope or cable ties in order to examine them may be a bit extreme (Boy George learnt the hard way), but most should understand such a procedure and be willing to consent to some form of hastily thought out medical. If they don't then the chances are they are aliens (but probably wise to make sure just the same). Please do not use this method as an excuse to humiliate or destroy unwanted in-laws or ex partners.

The Eyes have it! 

They are the window to the soul and our most human feature, so always check that your family and loved ones: 

  • Don't have any unusual pigmentation, such us yellow, green, black or white - wiping out the visible presence of the main pupil
  • Don't have weird mucus build up or random leakage (see above)
  • Don't blink from side to side rather than top to bottom (you've seen Men In Black you know the deal!)
  • Don't have thinner longer pupil shapes, like that of a lizard (as seen in the 1983 version of V, not the recent crappy remake)
  • Have two eyes (see 'Examine them'). Eyes that see through walls, dimensions or times should be considered suspicious also.

Thanks for the memories

The majority of aliens can easily inherit the memory of the person they are inhabiting so cross examining them about their past intimate secrets may still be a good idea but by no means a complete solution. More important is how they remember events of the past, because most aliens are unable to sync the right human emotion with the appropriate memory. Here are some questions to try (insert equivalent subject matter where not relevant and always say in a serious sincere tone)

a) 'Do you remember the fun we had at Gran's funeral, we didn't stop laughing for days especially when they lowered her into the ground and mum and dad started crying loudly, I nearly pissed myself inside!' (If this memory raises a smile in response to your own mirth then they are probably alien...... or really hate their Gran and family)

b) 'Do you remember when you got really drunk on New Years Eve and got the words to 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' wrong, thank god the police didn't catch you and haul you off to jail and then kill you by lethal injection!' (Even though this would be an appropriate punishment if the loved one eventually displays relief and/or discomfort, then they might just be an alien)

c) 'Was just thinking about our wedding day, you looked lovely although I can't believe the lion escaped before the ceremony and your uncle Derek didn't kill and eat his first born as we originally requested.' (Throwing in random and very wrong social habits and institutions into situations they can remember but are clueless of (the conventions) can sometimes work, as sharing a hosts memories doesn't mean they will actually understand them)

Just the two of us

Remember, aliens often don't show any emotions and there behaviour is bound by mindless routine and working within the collective consciousness of the alien hive brain that controls them, devoid of any individuality. This behaviour can hardly be considered alien though!  Spotting an alien whilst commuting during rush hour is near impossible! In fact if your loved one is barely able to raise more than a grunt after coming home from work then maybe give it a few hours before you decide to alert the government.

Bloody Hell
Getting a blood sample can be tricky without willing participation, restraint or sneaking up on someone with a needle when they are asleep. But if you do manage to get a sample here are things to look out for that you can do without a DNA testing kit (but do have one of those handy just in case).

a) If the blood is green then be alarmed unless you are romantically involved with a Vulcan
b) If the blood is 90% acid and melts the end of the needle then run, run far away quickly
c) Use a hot needle 'When a man bleeds it's just tissue' when an alien is made up of more than one part it will fight to protect itself (R.J. MacReady knew his shit, people!)

Habits
As much as any alien can perfectly take on the characteristics and routines of their host, they will always have to break from what are considered 'normal' habits and behaviour to do whatever such alien fun they need to indulge in to conquer the human race, remain undetected or just act as their true selves. This means you need to follow them and scrutinise their every moment through any surveillance equipment you can lay your hands on, as well as your own eyes of course. Signs they might be alien can be:

a) Feeding on raw meat, eating eggs whole, drinking toilet duck, cooking without utensils, eating household pets or serving them with sauteed mushrooms and cous cous.
b) Saying the words 'Growerg, errrg, blarrgh' after ever fourth sentence (unless in certain parts of Wales)
b) During sex bringing a woman to orgasm in under 30 seconds or.... keeping a man from orgasm in under 30 seconds.
c) Laying fifty large pulsing green eggs in the cleaning cupboard, shed, basement or loft.
d) Spewing acid on their food before eating it (you've seen the Fly!) or telling you they can't eat after midnight
e) Grabbing your knee with two fingers for twenty seconds, breathing heavily, eyes rolled back and then saying 'that was awesome, who says inter-species sex has to be a chore'
f) Referring to themselves constantly in the third person and laughing at holocaust documentaries
g) Belching a cloud of toxic smoke that kills your dog and then saying 'where I'm from that's a big turn on'  
h) Your mum answering the phone and saying: 'This is Zorg how many hours before the lethal gas is dropped that will exterminate the entire human race?'
i) If your Dad wears one piece red lyrca suits and speaks to a disembodied voice called Orson.
j) bringing dead animals or plants back to life (or the random killing of animals or plants by just looking at them).
k) If they are obsessed with phoning a planet in another galaxy/universe even if the mobile tariff they are on clearly doesn't have the credit or bandwidth needed
l) If a loved one dies five years after you first suspected them of being taken over by an alien life form, they probably were a pod person. Likewise if they die fairly rapidly from the common cold then that can also be filed as 'alien like behaviour.'
m) If your loved one tries to kill, eat or lay eggs in you during some very enthusiastic love making

Mind games

Most humans can't read minds or predict behaviour that well, despite what Derren Brown tells you. Therefore try to think things deliberately for the purpose of an alien invader to react to, if you start to think 'I'm going to ask my partner for a shag' over and over and they walk upstairs without prompting then after sex you may want to consider if they are alien. If you hear a voice in your head that isn't your own, don't call the people in white coats straight away, first ascertain who is in the house with you and if anyone is blatantly putting two fingers to their temple and concentrating very hard in your general direction. Also if at the dinner table you ask someone to pass the salt and they do so using their mind alone then again you may want to quietly alert someone that an alien may possibly be amongst you. Some aliens cannot be seen by others, so if you see a loved one talking to themselves or shagging thin air in an excited manor then unless they are Guius Baltar they have probably been compromised by aliens, possibly sexy long legged blond ones.

Tools of the trade
Some aliens can fire venom from parts of their body and poisonous darts from hairs on their back, but most carry weaponry just like our own armies do, so it’s always worth searching the house (and garden shed) from top to bottom for any alien tech they may have brought with them. If your male child vapourises his little sister with a heat ray he thought was a secret toy you put away for Christmas, then you know you've got problems. Also if your husband or wife suddenly become good with technology and/or a computer expert over night then its worth checking their credit card bill to see if 'Advanced IT Lessons' show up anywhere. Likewise if your husband becomes good at DIY, does it willingly (and completes projects) or enjoys shopping, you may also have cause for alien concern.

If your Gran or Grandad start getting heavily involved with Twitter and uploads videos of them both doing the nasty on Youtube then again its worth putting a few checks in place.

Die Verwandlung
Finding a loved one encased in some kind of pod or pupa/chrysalis could well mean they are not the person you once thought. This could mean they are physically transforming into the alien they are playing host to, or having their DNA changed or brain activity altered to become a slave host or willing drone to the invaders. Remember though that this state may have been induced by another alien and the human inside may be still alive! So there is always hope. It maybe prudent to keep the kids away though as some aliens like to turn humans in to some kind of food source, so some cocooned love ones may have been used like a giant slurpee and had all their blood sucked out of them (see Killer Klowns from Outer Space).

Better the alien you know
On the other hand if you have noticed your loved one has become a better lover, or a better mum, dad or sibling, son or daughter then you may want them to remain alien and just go with it, proving their can be positives to any alien possession or body swapping. Falling in love with an alien species can have very real benefits, see Earth Girls Are Easy, Avatar and any film with Lindsey Lohan in it.

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